Worst bike ride ever

This is my list of compliants about my worst bike ride ever. If you don't want to read complaints, stop reading now. My day started at 5:45 with my stove yelling, 'click, click, click'. The ignitor got wet and shorted. Fifteen minutes later we unplugged the thing, deemed it safe and we were off on a 90 minute jaunt south to Lake Anna State Park. We arrived as everyone was leaving, so we took our time getting ready. I felt the first raindrops as I put my shoes on, and wished I had foot warmers. I ran out last week and figured it would be warm by the third weekend in April. Ten minutes into the ride I felt like my seat had daggers on the borders. I couldn't sit in the same position for more than 5 seconds, and when the rain started pouring down I realized the ease of the course would be overwhelmed by rain, cold, and discomfort. My attempts to stay in Zone 2 proved to be slower than usual. I was going 4-14 mph, even on the flats, and realized later I was probably just dehydrated. I got lost twice, as the rain got heavier, and being by myself made the ride that much more miserable. At 55 miles I was back at the car, changed clothes and got warm, added a coat and took off with Tim, my riding buddy for my third and final loop. At mile 65 I felt a twinge in my knee and knew I should stop. It wasn't the typical soreness or achiness I felt toward the end of the long rides. I hadn't seen a sag vehicle for 2 hours and knew Ed was on his way home, so I figured I'd be sitting out in the cold and rain waiting when I could be riding slow and easy. A day later, as I write this, my knee is sore, swollen and my quads feel bruised. I'm missing a 12 mile run today and I have the Lake Anna Half Ironman staring me in the face next weekend, starting to get depressed about not being able to do the workouts this week. I'm in a funk about not having a job, wondering if I'll maintain my sanity through this next transition period. My food intake is out of control, even after visiting the nutritionist. My will power is very low, I feel worthless and bored. My plan is to go to PA school but it's such a long timeline it's hard to get excited about going to school part time and working a meaningless job. I'm in the same place I was 7 years ago when I graduated. On the other hand, I've had many experiences that have led me to this decision to go back to school, and always knew I would. I'm not sure anymore what's important to me and I feel empty most of the time. I feel panicked about my life, rarely relaxed or having fun, never feeling like I fit in. I don't have a way to identify myself anymore. I'm aimless, jobless, purposeless.

Miami Marathon

Why, why, why, why, why? Every time I think about the marathon, my first, I wonder why? Why do we all do it? From mile 18 and for about a day after I finished I swore off long-distance races. Without a solid reason the pain doesn't hold any value. Again, why, why, why? In searching for my personal reason I wonder about everyone else. Why do the other 26,000 people in the race go through all that? Some of them, I'm sure, have little discomfort, but the majority of people I talked to after the race and the following day were suffering in some small way. At the museum we visited on Monday I correctly identified three marathoners, and in the airport I saw a few more hobblers. Watching Seinfeld tonight, still pondering WHY, I decided that even though I'm still in considerable pain I'm part of the club now. I am a marathon finisher, which holds mystery and excitement for those who haven't done it. I doubt the vivid memories of each and every mile will fade with time, and neither will my membership in the 'marathon finisher's club'.

Now, two weeks from the marathon I still have significant pain and wonder if I've done permanent damage to my body. Will I look back on this years from now and wonder why I put my body through this? I'd like to find out what running feels like at 140 pounds. I imagine it won't feel like a chore. I'll feel light, fast and free, and maybe I'll even have fun. I feel as if I need to be in starvation mindset to get the results I want. I'm afraid of being hungry. I'm afraid of being uncomfortable. However, the mental discomfort I feel when I'm self conscious about myself is beginning to outweigh my fear of physical discomfort of being hungry. I wonder if my meter needs to be reset. Feeling hungry to me means that I'm close to death and I may struggle to survive if I don't find food. I'm panicked when I feel that way. Maybe that's just normal hunger pains that healthy people experience. New motto: "Reset the meter".

Running is secondary to what I want to accomplish, but I feel that I have set a baseline for movement that I need to uphold. If I reduce the amount of exercise I'll be going in the wrong direction. Not running is painful for me because I've grown accustomed to the great feeling I have after a run, of overcoming adverse conditions and motivating myself to do something I don't initially want to do. I know how good it feels at the end so I endure the annoyance of donning spandex and finding all the right equipment for the unique conditions of the day.

Reset the meter.

Breakfast.

Lunch.

Dinner.

Spinning

I went to my first spinning practice with Team Z. I thought it would be more trouble to get my trainer and bike set up, but there was plenty of parking on the street and I was set up in no time. I found that I like spinning because there's no one in front, no one behind, just a bunch of people working out at their own pace. I felt like I was on the same page as everyone else. There were beginners and Ironman finishers there, and we all had a great time. Also surprising to me was the intensity of the workout. When I spin alone I'm uncomfortable and bored. We spun for about 50 minutes total last night, and it went by quickly and without discomfort. I got to chat with Kerri Kramer, who I never talk to on rides because she is much faster than me, and Stacy, who is new to biking and the team. Overall it was a great night.

I'm on track with my nutrition, at least in the right direction. I've scaled back my snacking, simply by writing all the facts and figures about the foods I consume. Sometimes I want to eat something but I don't want to write all the information down, so I just don't eat it. Weight loss by laziness! I'm recording the calories (overestimating quantities just in case), fat, total carbs, fiber, protein. When I get my computer back I'm going to put it in a spreadsheet so I can do fast calculations and track my weight against it. My current weight (this morning, naked) is 161.4, down from a high of 166 a few weeks ago (right after the new year).

I'm beginning to put more intensity into my workouts. Last track workout I ran a mile in 8:22, my fastest ever, and that was with two more laps to go. We were doing Zone 4 for 1.5 miles, so I timed my first 4 laps. With more weight loss and more speed work I could be in the 7-8 minute range! Right now my focus is to shed the winter fat layer and eat for performance. I'll do more research on that as my habits allow for more specific tweaking.

Back to blogging

It's been a while since I've been motivated to record any of my efforts. I've been a wimp. I'm stuck in exercising for comfort. I balance my exercise with my eating. The exercise feels good, the food feels good and I'm holding steady at 165 pounds. Safely in the Athena category. My goal is to be a trim 148-152 pounds. I'll be faster and lose my affectionately nicknamed 'doughnut' that sits around my middle (I don't even eat doughnuts...Irony!). I've been sick for a week now and the cold broke this morning. I took nearly a week off from exercising (I won't even call it training; my heart wasn't in it). I spent two days slogging around my parents' house, depressed and eating even though I couldn't taste a thing. I need chicken soup, I thought. I need crackers with my soup, like when I was little. Then my dad came home and offered to make dinner. Sure, I said. Ice cream for dessert? Of course! The calcium will make my bones stronger. There's always a reason to eat more, never a reason to eat less when it's in front of me. I'd like to make it the opposite. Instead of being driven to eat when I'm bored or looking for instant satisfaction, I'd be tuned into studying chemistry, writing blogs, doing crunches. The harder I try to change it the more it stares me in the face as being a problem. Yes, I'm a normal girl with bigger than average muscles. I'm strong, fit and flexible. I have a great life! I'm not upset with any directions I'm going in, except out.

I'm 80% committed to creating new habits. The 20% is so strong and willful that I'm in constant conflict. It's like trying to jump out of a plane to skydive and instead of a free-fall, total commitment to getting to the ground, I'm tethered to the plane with a bungee cord, just in case the chute doesn't open.

As for the triathlon piece of my life...it's benign right now. I have my first marathon in Miami in 16 days, and I feel well enough prepared for it mentally and physically, but my point was to get there slimmer and trimmer, unembarrassed to see my finish line pictures. I REFUSE to get to the finish line of IRONMAN CDA looking like I don't belong there. 148.